Let's see. Someone as refined and couth as you would nver watch anthing as gross as this?
Ha! Gotcha.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Larn Da Corrick Wan To Spik
The English Language is Strange
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face itEnglish is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplantNo ham in the hamburgerAnd neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.English muffins were not invented in EnglandFrench fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for grantedBut if we examine its paradoxes we find that:Quicksand takes you down slowlyBoxing rings are squareAnd a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.If the plural of tooth is teethShouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beethIf the teacher taught,Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetablesWhat the heck does a humanitarian eat!?Why do people recite at a playYet play at a recital?Park on driveways andDrive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacyOf a language where a house can burn up as It burns downAnd in which you fill in a formBy filling it outAnd a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computersAnd it reflects the creativity of the human race(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is whyWhen the stars are out they are visibleBut when the lights are out they are invisibleAnd why it is that when I wind up my watchIt startsBut when I wind up this observation,It ends.
Laack Of Appreciation
911 dispatcher loves helping people in trouble. She carefully explains to callers what to do.
But, she is careful to protect the rights of all concerned.
She detailed exactly how to capture criminal.She was fired for reporting criminal during doughnut break.
Police smirk, We showed her what has priority.* Clermont, Fla., police 911 dispatcher Lorraine Stanton was fired in May as the result of bad performance reviews, not even counting an incident on her last weekend. A woman called to report a street gathering that included a man wanted by police, but according to the 911 tape, Stanton was not helpful: "Okay, that person would have to come to the police station, and we would have to check. When they come in, they'd have to bring ID." When the caller asked why a wanted man might voluntarily turn himself in, Stantonreplied, "Ma'am, that's the only way we can check." [WFTV-TV
Dubya And Hillary Show Scientific Side
The NFS, National Federation of Scientests, solved a big problem with Dubya's and Hillary's help.
Background:
They desperately need a cheap source of fuel to send a fleet of space ships to the ends of the Universe.
Solution: Use Lie-Clocks (Each person has one. Its hands move every time that person tells a lie.) Scientists put Dubya's and Yo-Yo's Lie-Clocks on the lead ship as propellers, hook the other ships to it, and let them go.
Possible trouble:They'd go faster than light which is impossible.
Hanoi Jane vs Linda R.
Linda Rondstat says,
I am a much bigger traitor than Hanoi Jane ever will be.
Hanoi Jane yawns,
Get real.
Another Myth Done Gone
Yep, another myth dispelled by Bex. You've heard about a zillion times that pirana can chow-down and clean-bone in a few seconds. Bull hockey. Here is proof that it is not true.
30 seconds...yeh, whatever.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Imagination Staggered: Pro-Lifers Win One
Pro-Deathers chant, How dare the judge side with those who say killing babies is wrong?
History Will Repeat Itself With Hillary
Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum
Who is spacey and who is dumb?
And now it's time for Hillary's turn,
How do think she will burn?
It Will Never Happen Again
Bex Warned Everyone
This site cannot be blamed. Everyone was warned of the consequences.
But, the odds against this ever happening were about a googleplex to one.
Dubya and Yo-Yo told their first-time truth at the same time on a bright, sunny day.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Selfish Man Leaves Work For Others To Do
Man in England tried to get away without finishing his work. Put associates in bind. Now he doesn't want to pay for the work he caused them to do. Tsk, tsk, tsk.*
The Times of London reported that when an employee of the James Beauchamp law firm in Edgbaston, England, recently killed himself, the firm billed his mother the equivalent of US$20,000 for the expense of finishing up his office work.
Included in that amount was a bill for about US$2,300 to go to hishome to find out why he didn't show up at work (thus finding hisbody), plus about US$250 to go to his mother's home, knock onher door, and tell her that her son was dead. (After unfavorable publicity, the firm withdrew the bill.) [The Times (London)]
UNC: No, No, No!
University of North Carolina has solution: Be stupid, irrational, or idiotic, as long as you are politically correct.
Christian organization must accept atheists, agnostics, devil worshipers, and whatever.
ACLU's True Nature
Can you think of anyone who will sign an agreement and lie to get moola?
Of course you can. But, what about a national organization? Of course.
What about an organization that claims to represent everything just and right?
Hmmm,Can you spell, ACLU?
Gestapo-Type Cops Forbid Call To Nature
Everyone, even Dubya and Chenney, have natural bodily functions that must be performed on a routine basis.
What happens when lazy cops have not met their quota near quitting time?
Easy answer:
They look for someone taking a poo, whip out ticket book, and grin.
Generous Bex To Aid Coming Presidental Campaignss
Bex has donated 100 of his BS trucks at each presidential campaign speech to aid everyone. Here is what one looks like hauling BS away after just 5 minutes of speech.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Britney Faces Truth
America's pop idol, B. Spears, wants to advertise zit-removal cream.
She shows "Before" photo and now just has to get a sponsor for "After" shot.
Which Is Which?
Miniture filly and baby. One is 2 days old the other two months. You think both are ugly? Ha, you ought to get a gander at their moms.
Recycled Milk
Yep! Can you believe it? That amazing Bex once again solves age-old mystry, ie, is the eye-bone connected to the mouth-bone?
Prez, VP, And All Congress Thank US Citizens
There has been enough name-calling, nay-saying, and back-biting among the Dems and GOP.
Now they get together for the first time ever to sincerely offer thanks to the American tax-payer.
All join in and gush,
All Americans, We know it is tough for those of you without health care, but think of how you help us.
We get 100% of health care, from prescriptions, to doctor visits, to hospitlizations, to lab tests, etc, covered without costing us one red cent. This includes our families.
If we didn't make these laws to cover ourselves, we would be in the same boat as you.We are so thankful that we are us rather than you.
Tongue Twisters
Ur friens mak fun of u, bcus you don speeka da Englesh so gut? Ha, tel dem to rede these fast.
Dis wil shut dem up.
Be Scamed No More
To help victims of internet scams Bex performs a public service. Just follow directions. Send $10 for S&H.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
How To tell If A Fighter Is French
Doctor called to treat wound of bull fighter. He took one look at the location of wound and muttered,
Damn, another Frenchman. Amazing! How did he know?
Samsung: Ingenious Scam
Samsung beams as it remembers recent past,
We did it first. I'm sure some other big business will now try and take credit for it as they use it . We offer rebates for certain merchandise, limit one per household, and then deny all claims but the first for the thousands living in apartments. We say it is the same address.
How long before others take credit for originating this scam?
Proof That Modesty Does Exist
Skeptics declare that female modesty is a thing of the past and no longer exists. Bex takes the challenge and finds female mosesty next door.
Why No Mass Arrests?
Drug manufactures demand,
Dubya, what's going on? All these criminals flocking to Canada for flu shots. They are breaking the "Dubya" law that we bought and paid for with donations from our unconscionable profits.
Dubya stammers,
Well...er,..um, just wait a few days till the election is over, and I'll round up all these terrorists and toss them under the jail.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Prexz Dubya Explains So-Called "FDA Drug Scandals"
Bex asks, Dubya sir, If our drugs are so safe due to regulation by FDA, how do you explain the scandals like Vioxx, Redux, Thalidomide, and multitude others?
Dubya's definitive reply,
Anyone can make a mistake or two. Besides, the majority the US population was not harmed or killed. It only affected those who took the bad drugs. Progress must be made, and you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. The FDA allows drug makers to do what they want because the shame to the FDA caused by a few deaths forces them to investigate their own procedure.
I also can assue you that my administration does not in any way, shape, or form, pressure the FDA to allow the drug maker to do whatever makes them the most money...wether it be safe or not. This is just a rumor started by jealous dorks. It is also a pure coincidence that the donations given to us by drug makers increases exponentially each time the FDA approves a drug that causes a few deaths later on.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Guys: Get Your Mom To Love Your Girlfriend
Your mother never accepts your girlfriends. Always gripping. Always harping. No one is good enough for you. A solution has been found: Simply rent a "change your Mom's attitude ", and take her home. Mom will appreciate your other girlfriends from now on.
Dubya Sets Naysayers Straight About His Drug Plan
Naysayers ask,
Why hasn't anyone ever been harmed by these Canadian drugs in all the prior years of taking them?
Why the worry just when drug prices are sky-high, and many people try to get them from Canada which would make US drug profits drop?
If our drugs are so safe, how do you explain Vioxx, Redux, and many others that underwent our rigid safety tests run by the FDA?
If Canadian drugs are so unsafe, why have there been no scandals like our Vioxx?
Dubya, FDA, and GOP respond, You naysayers say the whole answer is because of the millions of moola we get in donations from drug makers. That has nothing to do with it. We would do the same if they did not line our pockets with plenty cash. We do this, because we really, really care. Now to answer your specific questions: It is similar to some years ago when oil was in short supply, causing the prices to skyrocket overnight. However, when there was plenty oil, it took months for the prices to drop. When criticized, an oil tycoon said, "The little people just don't understand how our economy works. " That is your answer. You little people just don't understand. Oh,oh, look at the time. Gotta go. Merck is flying us to Hawaii for two weeks all expenses paid. Just remember, we care!
Dubya Answers Naysayer's Main Question About Canadian Drugs.
Naysayers main question,
Why hasn't anyone ever been harmed by Canadian drugs in all the time Americans have taken them?
Dubya's definitive answer,
Many, many, uncounted scores of Americans have been injured or killed by these drugs. The Canadian government does not have free news media, so this news is censored. American press is free, but it refuses to publish this data in order to make me look bad.
And, NO! The millions in donations the drug makers give the GOP has nothing to do with my stance (snicker, snicker).
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
FDA And Drugs
Dubya solemnly summarizes,
I must pat myself on the back for my lucid, cogent, intelligent, logical, and completely satisfactory answers to all questions about drugs from Canada. No rational being can ever question my motivation after the answers of the past 4 days.
To wit:
a. Canadian drugs are unsafe
b. The FDA assures us our drugs are always safe.
c. News about Canada's deaths and injuries from their unsafe drugs are silenced by their government.
d. News about the deaths and injuries from unsafe US drugs are lies spread by our liberal, but free, press.
e. Most important: It is l00% purely conciendental that all this hubaloo about nothing started when drug makers donations to me rose at an exponential rate. Remember: These drug makers are still pleading with me to let you go go Canada for the cheaper drugs, but your safety comes first. We care, we really, really do.
ACLU: Maybe There Is Hope For USA
ACLU proclaims,
Finally a decent ruling based on our principles. This enlightened judge, like us, knows what's best for Americans.
Judge snickers,
This is a birthday gift for the ACLU, who, like me, knows what's best for all Americans. Can you imagine this birth mother wants to exclude her former gay partner from this baby...using the excuse she was pregnant before they formed the same-sex union? So what? Hmmmm, think I'll give the kid to the gay partner and not even give the Mom visitation.
Definitive Analysis Of OJ Trial
Did OJ do the crime and get off scott-free? If so, what went wrong?Of course he did, and what went wrong falls largely on the shoulders of the prosecutors. Imagine this scenario: Someone runs into the court room in the middle of the trial yelling he took a video of OJ doing the murders. Then OJ stands up and says, "Yes, I killed them". Then God speaks and says, "Yes, OJ killed them". Also, imagine OJ had a drunken, broken-down, public defender during his trial. The jury still would have set him free, and let's assume all of them were honest people doing their best to be fair. The prosecutors had more to do with the verdict than all the evidence, testimony, and lawyers put together. The prosecutor's reasoning followed these lines: They had an air-tight case which they just knew would convince anyone and everyone that OJ is guilty. However, if the jury was chosen at random, or full of whites, then the people in the Hood would riot, because they would believe this was just another case of a high-tech lynching of a black man. In order to prevent this, the jury should be largely black and from the Hood. The evidence would be so overwhelming that they would have to find him guilty, and the danger of rioting would be lessened. This reasoning and logic are excellent, but the fear and hatred of the police because of daily injustices, real and/or preceived, outweighed any evidence and was underestimated by the prosecutors. If, as it was assumed at the start, these were all honest citizens trying to be fair, they really believed the cops were framing OJ. They would think the video, God's voice, and OJ's admission were faked. Is it possible that some...or even all...would vote to free him to get even with the white man? Of course, it is. The point is that the jury would set him free regardless of lawyers, testimony, or evidence.
White House Prattle
Bex reveals,
Presidential prattle is available to listen to from 6 different Prezs from both parties. FDR, JFK, Truman, Ike, LBJ, and Nixon. Nixon talks about Rumsfeld and John Kerry way back in 1971. Many mundane topics not related to politics. Political topics not mundane.Just go to this site and say Bex sent you.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
FDA Responds To Avandia Charges
FDA fumes, So? So? What's your point? How is this any different from Vioxx and all the other harmful drugs we approved? Don't these drug makers give big donations to the GOP administration which tells us what do do? We are simply following orders. Get a life, you shit heads.
look like apes, but my hairdo is better than your's.Why Pay For A Petting Zoo When It Can Come To You?
Click on image and get animals to play and sing.
petting zoo
Pay Back Time
You should never "get even", but if it is something you just must do, then this is the way to go.
Do this and you can't go wrong.gif
Be A Construction Engineer
You are getting on with your life, but you have left no legacy. You've made your millions but feel unfulfilled.
Here is the solution:
Buy some decks of playing cards and do what this upstanding citizen did.
Walmart Fires Employee Who Dared To Take Initiative
This employee did his best to help Walmart during Christmas. He sought advice on what to do. He consulted counselors to present the best appearance. He got permission from the Walmart CEO. Then he did his job. What was the result?
Walmart says,
Everything above is true, but he increased our business so much that we couldn't handle it. The banks were not big enough to hold all the money he made for us, so we had to fire him or build a bigger bank.He also wanted a cut on the patent we made on his outfit. No way.
Don't Lose Your Head Over A sport
You ever get irritated over people who rah, rah at ball games to the extent that it appears it will make a difference who wins? What about the players? Take this one for example...
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